How I Know I’m Old
My youth is behind me, guys. I’ve graduated college and traveled the world and now, at the grand old age of 22 (still 21, if we’re being technical) I have become world-weary, like those elderly people who sit on the porch on Saturdays and yell at the local kids for being hooligans destined for jail because they’re not in school. Or my great-aunt who once locked my cousins and me out of my house during a family party for being “excited”. So from my seat in my porch rocking chair, a list of ways I know I’m old:
1. Traffic bothers me. Gone are the days when I could just put on my iPod and enjoy a solo jam sesh in the face of the glorified parking lot that is the 101 – or the 405. or Sepulveda. or Ventura or Victory – at any given time of day in LA, and be fine. No, now I get increasingly aggravated and mentally – and verbally – berate people for not going fast enough, switching lanes when it clearly won’t get them anywhere faster (usually when it gets in the way of me doing the same thing), and questioning where the fuck all these people are going at 10:30 in the morning, don’t you have jobs to be at, you can’t all possibly be going to lunch or just getting in at this hour, what has the world come to?!
2. Any given weeknight: “Welp, it’s midnight, time for bed”.
3. The thought of eating frosting by the spoonful directly out of the jar, as I used to do in my youth, is horrifying.
4. I compare prices on food. And sometimes I refuse to buy something if I know I can get it cheaper or if I wait for it to go on sale. Total contrast to my once innate lack of practicality or attention to petty details like if that sugary cereal masquerading as granola I want is really worth $6.49 when it was $2.00 last week. In short, I have become my mother.
5. I wish I had a rollover plan for all the naps I refused as a child.
6. I am reluctant to take naps because there are other things I could be doing.
7. I constantly complain about the “kids these days” and their selfies and their Twatting or Twitting or what-have-you and their lack of respect/healthy fear of their elders. Namely, me.
But seriously, what is with the kids these days? They are so goddamn uppity.