Things I Learned the Hard Way

by sassandbite

In my 22 years of life and experience, I have learned many things. Some of them were fairly obvious — that guy in the van doesn’t really have candy or a puppy — but some of them were learned through painful trial and error.
And yet I keep doing many of them anyway.

1. The Inverse Law of Appearance: Your hair/makeup/skin/self in general will always look sensational when you have nowhere to go and no one to see. Inversely, when you’re out and about and there are people to impress, or at least not frighten, your hair will never  fall quite right.

2. Being an adult is expensive and difficult. Put it off as long as possible.

3. Chasing shots with soy sauce is never a good idea.

4. You cannot make powdered sugar by blending regular sugar in a pitcher with an immersion blender. You should not then attempt to make royal icing from this failure.

5. Playing with chili peppers and then not washing your hands and instead touching your face, eyes, and mouth will end just as badly as your nanny said it would.

6. A serving size of Ben & Jerry’s is not 8/10 of a pint. Who knew?

7. People generally don’t appreciate being corrected on their grammar. Even if the mistake they repeatedly make makes them sound ignorant and will probably embarrass them in front of someone more judgmental than me and it’s really not that hard to just say “regardless” instead of “irregardless” because it’s not a word, goddamnit.

8. {Heels + stairs} x copious amounts of tequila ÷ lack of basic coordination skills = no. Just no.

9. The mere presence of a Costco-sized box of Cheeze-Its, M&M’s, or animal crackers — Costco-sized anything, really — in my kitchen is enough to override my (already barely existent) self-control and general lack of interest in those things and result in horrifying levels of mindless over-eating.