Things I Once Firmly Held to be True
Children are ridiculous. Hysterical, but ridiculous. Their little minds are so odd and literal and all over the place and they just come up with the most random shit and you have no idea where it came from. And neither do they. Or even if they do, it came from a thought process you couldn’t possibly begin to follow. I’ve being seeing a lot of entertaining things from the mouth of babes — from apology letters they’re clearly not convinced they need to be writing, to those AT&T commercials to Jimmy Kimmel’s Truth Fairy tests –and it got me thinking about some of the baffling things I used to think. So now, a list of things I once firmly held to be true:
1. You could ride on a Golden Retriever. In fact, this was the whole purpose of owning one, and I begged my parents to get me one. Which they did not.
2. Band-aids were magical pain relievers.
3. There was a secret passage in the side of the pool with a shark in it that came out sometimes. If you swam in the shadows it would totally eat you.
4. The $82 my mom let me keep from my first communion money was a vast fortune.
5. The LegoLand driving school ride basically qualified me to operate a vehicle.
6. Limited Too and Abercrombie were the epitome of stylish. I mean, skintight polos with random animals, phrases, and sports numbers emblazoned on them in glitter, paired with layered cotton skirts or booty shorts with the name of a sport you may or may not even participate in written on the butt? Expressive and tasteful.
7. Bright pink lipstick and blue eye shadow were a classy match made in heaven. They look best when applied liberally.
8. Getting a blue slip (a bad-behavior note to your parents, basically) was the end of my future. I would probably be grounded for at least three months, and no high school or college would have me.
9. Having my picture taken was basically the most inconvenient, unfun, unnecessary thing my mother could ask of me. Hence the photo above. Like seriously, I’m at Disneyland. Christmas Disneyland. What about my life at that point warrants that face?
10. Looking at the sun would result in immediate blindness. In kindergarten my friend Blair told me at recess that she had just looked at the sun and her eyes hurt: I helpfully assured her she would go blind, probably within the hour, and she spent the next two hours in the nurse’s office, inconsolable and in hysterics.