Things I Don’t Understand Why Everyone Likes
There are certain things that are apparently universally popular and well-liked that I simply do not understand. Like, I am baffled. I don’t see the appeal at all. And I have great taste.
1. Reality TV : It’s all the same premise — tacky attention seekers acting like children. Sometimes with variations like dancing, obscure cultures, or some sort of costume. And it’s getting out of control. Female wrestling divas? Hot moms? Really, I think it started to get out of control when The Swan became a thing.
2. Taco Bell : It’s made of dog food and it’s wrapped in a Dorito.
3. Alfredo Sauce : Congealed, thick, warm, white stuff is not appetizing under any circumstances. Make of that what you will.
4. Clam chowder : Congealed, thick, white, chunky warm stuff is possibly even less appealing. Combined with bits of what is allegedly shellfish but God only knows. Just no.
5. Scarlett Johanssen : For someone who only ever plays one character — the “self-consciously sexy, sexually liberated free spirit who’s just trying to find herself but who’s actually just really immature and obnoxious” — you’d think she’d be a better actress.
6. Dubstep : It’s robot music. And stop trying to tell me about the skill it takes to do it and how talented DJ’s are in their respective genres of techno, electronic, house, and dubstep — which are all exactly the same — because it’s bullshit. I, too, can press buttons on a keyboard. It’s not that hard.
7. Brie cheese : I don’t have a problem with it, I just don’t understand the appeal. It doesn’t have much flavor and the texture is what I would describe as rubber cream.
8. Vodka : It tastes like nail polish remover and ethanol. And it contributed to the single worst hangover I’ve ever had in my life that led to me praying for a swift death for a full 24 hours. I’m not biased though, it just sucks.
9. Ranch dressing on pizza : Why would you ruin a perfectly good slice of pizza by drenching it in ranch dressing?
10. Eggnog : See the “congealed thick white creamy stuff” sections above. And alcohol should never be tainted by eggs or frothy cream. Even the name is off-putting.
11. Shrimp : I wish I was classy and mature enough to like it, but the taste is not enough to get me past the texture. Or the fecal line. Google it, unless you really like shrimp and don’t want it ruined for you.