I Guess This is Growing Up?
Apparently I’m in a transitional period of my life. And I’m struggling with it a bit, which I tell myself is both fine and expected, but then again I’m also really good at rationalizing. I can justify a lot of things to myself, because I am very clever and I was raised by lawyers. So who knows.
Anyway, I’ve hit a few stumbling blocks. For example, I’ve spent the last four years justifying my poor decisions, ill-considered plans, and childish behavior with the vindicating expression “fuck it, I’m in college”. Those five handy little words cover(ed) a multitude of sins: go to a Thursday 9am class so hungover/borderline still drunk you spend the entire time praying for a swift death? Fuck it, I’m in college.
Eat cookie dough out of a bowl and wash it down with a bottle of wine while watching 5 straight episodes of Law and Order: SVU with your roommates? Fuck it, I’m in college.
Use having a final paper to write as an excuse to spend obscene amounts of money you don’t have on coffee from places other than your house because they can make it way more fancy? Fuck it, I’m in college.
The stripper you hired for your friend’s birthday shows up late, unshowered, on coke, and middle-aged, and hangs out afterward hitting on all the girls and drinking your beer? Fuck it, I’m in college.
Except the problem is that I am no longer allowed to use that excuse. I managed to stretch it out for the last three months even though technically I graduated in March, because I was still living at college and hadn’t walked yet. But I’ve now been home for almost three weeks, living on my parents’ couch, and I’m willing to face the music and admit that that excuse is finished for me. Except not really, because I’ve just replaced it with “Fuck it, I’m in a transitional period of my life”.
Bought two dresses, a skirt, and a pair of silk and lace shorts when you only intended to get denim shorts? Fuck it, I’m in a transitional period of my life.
Skip working out because you don’t want to have to wash, dry, and straighten your hair again? Fuck it, I’m in a transitional period of my life.
Go out with your friends fully intending to not drink at all and instead accidentally getting hammered and bursting into tears when your brother yells at you for making him pick you up at midnight before you’ve even gone into the bar? Fuck it, I’m in a transitional period of my life.
Find yourself unable to focus on any book, TV show, movie, mindless internet shit or project for more than 30 minutes at a time even though you have absolutely nothing else to do? Fuck it, I’m in a transitional period of my life.
Use the phrase “cunt-punt” frequently and at inappropriate times? Fuck it, I’m in a transitional period of my life.
And for the record, I know I’m not the only one doing this. I can think of at least one other person who does nearly exactly the same thing, sometimes.
I’d like to think that I’ll improve with age, buuuutt at this point it’s not looking promising. In all honesty, I will probably always replace the last cover-all justification with a new one. “Fuck it, I’m 25, my youth is behind me”. “Fuck it, I’m almost 30”. “Fuck it, I’m 30 and my youth is really behind me and I’m showing every sign of dying a crazy cat lady”. Etcetera, etcetera, all the way until I’m 80 and saying “Fuck it, I’m 80. I can do, say, and eat exactly what I feel like at any given moment. Cuntpunt”.
Acceptance is the first step. Or so I hear.