Things I Can’t: Chris Brown

by sassandbite


Today in things I thought would bring me more joy, Chris Brown has announced his intention to retire after his next album, because he realized he’s a volatile, immature son of a bitch who needs to spend some time working on himself everyone like, totally picks on him all the time:

“Don’t worry mainstream America.After this X album, it’ll probably be my last album.

Being famous is amazing when it’s for ur music and talent. I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when i was 18. I’m cool & over it!” [Source]

I, for one, am just thankful that he’s both cool with, and over, beating the living shit out of a woman and leaving her for dead on the side of the road. Nothing has troubled me more since the beginning of this saga than his feelings about this, let me assure you. I’m glad he can finally have a break from people commenting on his little temper tantrum that quickly escalated into a violent crime.

Except wait, I’m actually not. Sarcasm aside, he now gets to retire with several million dollars at the age of 24. Unless he’s a total fucking idiot and manages to blow through it (one can only hope), he can live on that for the rest of his life and never have to work again. Good for me, because hopefully I won’t be forced to see or hear anything about him. Bad on principle, because after getting nothing more than a slap on the wrist, strutting around in tasteless t-shirts, throwing chairs through windows and storming out of interviews when asked about it, and generally showing that he still believes he’s not at fault and is in fact the victim, he still comes out on top. There is no justice.

Also, can I just say? His comment about how he was 18. You know what hoodrat shit I was doing at 18? When I was not already a famous millionaire? I was sneaking booze out of my parents’ liquor cabinet, staying out past curfew, and eating 5 slices of pizza at a time. Not beating people up for looking through my texts.

Wait, also, did he just admit he has no talent?