Things That Actually Happen to Me

by sassandbite

Yesterday I walked to the market to get a few things for snack.

As I stand waiting for the light to change, minding my own business, an old man in a flannel shuffles up to me and loudly hisses, “I see it. You have ‘666 and wine’ written on your pants! I’ll see you there, whore. . . . (long pause) You and Burt Bacarat. . .

I simply looked at him. These were the thoughts running through my head:

I’m wearing shorts.

As if I would be wearing pants. It’s like he doesn’t know me at all.

More importantly, does he know Burt Bacarat? How the hell did he get involved in this? Of all the people. . . He’s the guy who wrote “What the World Needs Now”, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, he is. I know that because of Austin Powers.

I should make a temporary tattoo saying 666 and wine. Sounds like a family crest motto.

And then the light changed and I walked away. He followed me for a while, and I was kind of like, am I gonna have to push an old man in the street?, but he was pretty slow so I decided I could just outrun him.

And that’s my story.

Happy weekend everyone.

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