Things I Can’t: Party Bros Shouldn’t Play with Guns

by sassandbite

This morning on my lovely commute downtown I was listening to Kevin and Bean on KROQ, and they were talking about those insane stories where someone buys a painting for $10 and it turns out to be an original Picasso or whatever worth $40k. And they opened it up to callers.

And this young guy, who sounds like he wears oversized Dickies sagging off his ass and a wife beater, calls about a gun he got for $60 that he later sold for $2,000 or something. That’s not what’s important here. What’s important here is the details:

“I just turned 18 so I bought myself a gun, I thought a rifle would be cool”, he says. That’s first. Just went on down to the gun store and picked himself up a rifle, just ’cause. Just felt like it. Purchasing a weapon simply because he could. Welcome to America. But whatever, that barely warrants an eye roll in this story.

He then goes on to say that he took it to a pawn shop a few years later to see what he could get for it. His reason? “My buddies and I were trying to throw a big party and we didn’t have the money. We were desperate. So I took it in. We were pretty desperate, you know?”

. . . Um, what? Who in their life has been “desperate” for money in order to throw a rager? Why is this even a question? How big is this fucking party that a few plastic handles of Heritage and some Natty Light aren’t going to cut it? Youngsters have been managing to throw debaucherous parties on the cheap for centuries. If you have to sell off your possessions to do it, you’re doing it wrong.

Which is another thing: who cares enough about a party to sell their possessions? I mean, I get that he wasn’t especially attached to this gun, he just bought it cause he was a typical 18 year old who thought it was badass to have a rifle for no reason. But still. He is so invested in throwing a party that he starts hocking his shit. I just, I can’t even. And his question at the end, basically like, “how could you not? What was I to do? Who would have acted differently?”

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to laugh or shake my head in disgust. Bros, man.

I mean, look, when I was a kid I had a garage sale so I could buy a new Sims game or a purse or whatever. I once tried to persuade my little brother to buy a VHS from me so I could go to Build-a-Bear. I am not blameless. But in my defense, I was a child. I understand trying to make an extra buck by getting rid of stuff. It’s just that I’ve never heard someone use the word “desperate” to describe their need to do it. . . for a party. To buy medicine for their ailing child, yes. To pay the rent, yes. I love a party as much as the next person, but for real though, if I ever start selling off my shit to pay for them, make me see that I have gone too far. Stage that intervention. Slap me. Do something.