Things I Can’t: Carl’s Jr. Pop Tart Ice Cream Sandwich
Yes, this is now a thing. Carl’s Jr., purveyors of questionable burgers and star-shaped chicken nuggets (I don’t know why that wasn’t more suspicious to me as a child. They’re all in the shape of perfect stars. How did I not question this?) have found yet another way to make the rest of the world look down their noses at us, which they can do because they don’t have four chins blocking their view.
I know someone is going to ask me why this is offensive to me when I’m all in favor of cookie ice cream sandwiches, but please. Ice cream and cookies were made for each other. The primary ingredients of Pop Tarts are a disproportionate amount of flavorless dry crust, chemicals, and the tears of real strawberries.
They don’t even taste good and I refuse to believe that they wouldn’t ruin perfectly good ice cream. Which is not to say that I believe Carl’s Jr. uses anything even remotely resembling ice cream. Let’s be real here. I don’t want to think too closely about what it could be, but I’m sure it’s the ice cream equivalent of pink slime.
At what point in your life. . . How do you get to a point in your life where you dress up as Carl’s Jr. Pop Tart Ice Cream Sandwich Superheroes for Comic-Con and not think, “nope, I’m done. I’m just gonna end it all”?