“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde
1. If I mistake you for a Kardashian from your speaking voice, you need to reevaluate. Look at your life, look at your choices.
2. Wear sunscreen.
3. Don’t let anyone who describes things as “A-list” tell you shit about life.
4. Stretching is so underrated.
5. If you’re at the gym and not sweating enough to mess up your hair and the makeup you’re inappropriately wearing, you’re doing it wrong.
6. No you won’t remember it — write it down.
7. Don’t use the word “delicious” to describe things that are not food. It’s creepy and unnecessary.
8. Sometimes it’s totally fine and acceptable to drink red wine and listen to Adele and maybe accidentally start crying. Just maybe don’t tell a lot of people about it.
9. Don’t get caught.
I just checked the bag to see if “Reese’s” called for an apostrophe or not. It does. Apparently Reese is possessive of his pieces.
In other news, I might be a nerd.
Anyway, isn’t this all autumnal and stuff?? Cause it’s finally getting brisk out. I said I had something in the oven. I was going to save it for next week . . . but I didn’t want to. So you’re welcome.
I had a mad craving for oatmeal cookies last week. But I didn’t feel like raisins, and chocolate chips seemed too. . . obvious. Too done. And then I remembered how badly I’d been jonesin’ for some Reese’s pieces, and a great idea was formed.
Side note: I have a friend who pronounces them “Rees-ees piec-ees”. I guess because she thinks Reese’s is prounounced Reesees, which apparently overrules the pronunciation of the word pieces? I don’t know, she’s weird. But we love her anyway.
Anyway, again. I didn’t have an oatmeal cookie recipe of my own, but I found this one on Smitten Kitchen. It was good; on it’s own I don’t think it would be my favorite — I think the dough needs a little more salt and some spice other than cinnamon in order to stand alone — but it worked well with the melty peanut butter-chocolate pieces because it didn’t compete too much.
Mine also came out darker and thinner, probably because I didn’t chill it as long as I should have cause I was in a rush. I got shit to do today. Also it’s possible I used dark brown sugar instead of light brown, because my family apparently doesn’t share the importance I place on the distinct shades of brown sugar so they don’t tell me when we’re out of things, and I didn’t feel like going back to the store. But it’s all good, it worked out.
So basically: up the salt, chill the dough for at least a couple of hours, and eat these warm.
REESE’S PIECES OATMEAL COOKIES
adapted from Smitten Kitchen
1 stick (1/2 cup) butter, softened
2/3 cups light brown sugar, packed
1 large egg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp table salt (I used 1/2 tsp and I still thought it needed a touch more)
1 1/2 cups rolled oats
As many Reese’s Pieces as you can get in there after you’ve decimated half the bag while prepping the dough. I’m not saying that I speak from experience, but I do.
In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, egg and vanilla until smooth (I used my arm and a spatula, but if you have a mixer I’d go for that).
In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt. Combine with the wet ingredients.
Add oats and Reese’s Pieces and stir in.
Either cover the bowl with plastic wrap, or form dough balls on a cookie sheet and cover that with plastic wrap, and chill at least a couple of hours in the fridge.
When you’re ready, preheat the oven to 350. Place cookies ~2 inches apart on a parchment-lined baking sheet and bake 10-12 minutes, rotating halfway through.
Take them out when the edges are golden and they still look a little bit undercooked in the center; this keeps them soft, because they continue to cook even on the sheet even after you’ve removed them from the oven.
Transfer to a cooling rack about 2 minutes after you take them out of the oven.
I spend an absurd amount of time on the internet. #Funemployment. A good portion of that time is devoted to Pinterest. #Idon’tcarewhatyouthink. #ArbiterOfTaste.
The point is that there is so much stupid “motivational” shit on the internet. Memes and quotes and pictures. From what I can tell, it’s meant to be really inspiring and profound and fist-pumpy. And. . . it’s just not.
Most times it’s more like someone took excerpts from a 12 year-old’s diary. I give you:
And now it’s permanently tattooed on your body.
I’m sure the other arm says something equally as meaningful, such as “There is light until nighttime”. Probably with a sun-and-moon border.
Then there are the lecture-y ones from people with a dubious grasp of grammar and spelling:
You don’t get to tell me shit if you can’t spell the things you’re talking about.
Some of them are paired with a totally unrelated picture, usually in black and white, because it’s all dramatic and profound and stuff:
Why are you standing (sitting?) on that piano? How did the piano get involved in all of this?
Why is the H in “happiest” capitalized?
Probably because it makes it more Profound.
Continuing in the “totally obvious and self-explanatory” vein:
I think the flight attendant in Bridesmaids put it best when he said, “that is absolutely accurate”.
I would also like to point out that the person who pinned it put it on a board titled “Things I Love”, with the caption “faith”.
And some of this shit is just woefully irresponsible :
There is a child right next to you. I have foreseen how this ends, and it is with a blood-spattered tutu.
Who told you it was appropriate to walk into a supermarket, fill your basket with stuff and then lift it over your head for shits and gigs? Who told you it was impressive? Nobody likes a show-off.
We need to talk about your outfit. It appears that you shortened the sleeves of your already-too-tight jersey, presumably to make your freakishly muscular arms look even bigger. I don’t even have words for this.
It also appears that you oiled up your arms. Which means either this little display was a premeditated thing, or you just make a habit of oiling yourself up before you leave the house.
I can’t even decide which is worse.
Earth-shattering news from LA: still not feeling very autumnal here. Aside from the light in the morning, you wouldn’t know, because it’s been between 75 and 80, even at the beach. This is absurd.
The point is that my internal clock tells me I should be inhaling pumpkin products, decorating for Halloween, layering, and baking, but I’m having trouble bringing myself to do those things when I have the option of drinking (pumpkin spice) smoothies and laying out.
Aside from a certain penis cake I made last weekend (for research purposes), I haven’t baked anything yet this fall (that’s a lie. There’s something in the oven right now. But we’ll get to that).
I have, however, roasted something. Three somethings, actually, in a loaf pan. I made these Italian-tasting quinoa-stuffed peppers, which at least look autumnal and taste really great.
These were inspired by a Smitten Kitchen recipe involving cous-cous and chickpeas. I switched it up quite a bit, using shallots instead of onions and replacing cous-cous with quinoa. Because I’m an individual. I also cut down on the oregano, added cabernet salt in place of regular, and omitted the fennel and the chickpeas altogether. I like chickpeas, but they don’t belong here.
Cabernet salt might be my favorite kitchen thing ever. My mom bought it for my dad from Sur La Table a few months ago and I have appropriated it. It belongs to me now. It is so rad I can’t even do it justice. If you don’t have it– I’m deeply sorry for you. But sea salt will also do the trick, and perhaps a splash of red wine.
VAGUELY AUTUMNAL QUINOA AND FETA STUFFED PEPPERS
inspired by Smitten Kitchen
3 bell peppers
1 cup quinoa
2 tsp. olive oil
1 small zucchini, sliced and then halved
1 small yellow squash, sliced and then halved
2 large shallots
2 cloves garlic
pinch of dried oregano
1/2 tsp. or more of cabernet salt (or sea salt)
1 large tomato (or 1 cup cherry tomatoes)
2 tbl. tomato paste
feta cheese — however much you feel like
Preheat the oven to 350 and spray a small baking dish or loaf pan with cooking spray. Cut the tops off the peppers and scrape out the insides. Place them upright in the dish and bake for 15 minutes, until just softened; remove and set aside.
Meanwhile, cook quinoa according to package instructions (sidenote : I use chicken or vegetable broth instead of water, it gives it a lot more flavor) and set aside.
Heat the olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add shallot, garlic, zucchini, squash, oregano, and salt. Cook, stirring frequently, for 5 minutes, or until vegetable are softened.
Remove pan from heat and add tomatoes and tomato paste; mix well.
Add quinoa and stir into vegetables. Add feta and combine.
Fill peppers with mixture and bake 15 more minutes.
When I was a kid, there was some concern that I would go on to become a Vegas Showgirl. My family and their friends (mostly) affectionately referred to it as my Hispanic side, because I preferred clothing that was sequined, fringed, feathered, rhinestoned, furred — or all of the above — along with vivid colors and dramatic shapes. All dresses and skirts had to be either very tailored or extremely twirly or pouffy. My mother ended up picking out my First Communion dress because she was so alarmed at my insistence on a hoop skirt.
Basically, I had fantastic taste.
Although on a day-to-day basis I’m now more likely to favor a more minimalist chic (or hippie-luxe-which-is-actually-more-like-upscale-hobo if I’m feeling lazy and we’re being honest) aesthetic, I still love to rock one of my drag queen pieces for effect. I have, for instance, been known to wear a black fox fur as a scarf.
So naturally, I have a deep need for a feather skirt.
Please don’t carry a small dog with it, though. It’s all I ask.
It can even be casual if you wear it with a simple shirt, question mark? Possibly that’s a stretch, but I don’t even care.
This one, and the pink one above, are from the same Allure editorial. It’s Kate Spade and it’s $700, soooo that’s not happening. But I will find one, and it will be sensational.
So who’s willing to be seen in public with me in it?
I heard in the last couple of days that I was passed over for yet another Big Girl job. The chances that I will end my days as a middle-aged spinster who lives with 13 cats in a room in her parent’s house that she has decorated with her collection of cats-wearing-hats figurines that she purchased with her Target cashier salary are increasing every day.
But I am an optimist and a fighter at heart. I will not be defeated so easily. So I have compiled a new list of jobs that I want. Yes, want. Because clearly they exist. Someone out there is getting paid to do these things.
And I will take their job.
1. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME: Nail Polish Namer
Why I’m Qualified: I’m very clever and I enjoy puns. Also half of them don’t make sense or are cheekily inappropriate, and if I’m good at one thing, it’s being nonsensical and inappropriate. Lemme throw down some examples:
2. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME: Ice Cream Flavor Inventor/Tester
Why I’m Qualified: I am an ice cream enthusiast. I would fucking excel at eating ice cream for a living. It’s truly turning a passion into a career.
3. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME : Color Trend Determiner
Why I’m Qualified: I literally have a list of palettes in my little inspirations/lists notebook. If that isn’t enough for you, consider the fact that I carry an inspirations/lists notebook.
4. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME: Life Coach
Why I’m Qualified: I give good advice (even though I generally ignore it), I’m usually right about stuff, I’m good at bullshitting my way through even when I’m not sure I’m right, I have great taste, and I keep up a constant running monologue in my head about how I can improve everyone around me.
Upon further consideration, I have decided to combine all of those things and just become a Professional Arbiter of Taste. Like Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop. I will just sit from a position of privilege and tell everyone what’s cool and exciting and what they should be doing/buying/going into debt for to become cool and exciting.
I’ve found my path, guys.
While in the midst of a YouTube wormhole, I was lured to this video by the promise of two of my favorite things: fancy grilled cheeses and Seth Myers.
I’ve been trying to keep this on the DL, but Seth and I will be tying the knot and making babies with enchanting dimples and a wicked sense of humor. . . sometime in the near future. As soon as he breaks up with his totally unattractive and contributing-nothing-to-society human rights lawyer “fiancé”. God, she is such dead weight.
For the record though, even with my infamous bitch face, I still smile more than her. I mean, how can you be that monotone with that standing in front of you making witty comments?
Anyway. Check it out, he’s totally charming and good-looking and funny, as per usual. And that sandwich looks bomb. Even though technically his girlfriend’s brother made it, but whatever.
I can cook for both of us, Seth. You just stand there and look pretty.
“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde
1. Don’t put your purse on the floor in a restaurant! It will make you poor.
2. Work out. Yes, we want to be healthy and live a long time and look foxy and make men fall at our feet and make girls jealous that we can wear those clothes. But also — what if one day you have to run from a serial killer?
3. Friends don’t let friends wear Uggs with shorts. In fact, friends don’t let friends wear Uggs outside the house.
4. Resist the urge to eat your feelings.
5. Not everything needs to be ombré. Let’s move on.
6. Don’t wear flats with a pencil skirt. You’re not Carla Bruni. Heels, heels, heels.
7. No matter what that goateed guy at the club tells you, heroine is not making a comeback. It’s not cool and it hasn’t been since 1995.
8. Only boring people get bored.
So I was looking for rubber stamps recently. Remembered I have an Amazon gift card and innocently decided to hit them up. Regretted it almost instantly.
That’s the order of things here.
I was horrified to discover that this is available for purchase:
In what environment are you living where you could ever possibly have need of this?
It’s not even your baby. You’re just gonna put a cropped picture of some random baby on your personal stationary or your Christmas card or whatever?
The only time this would be appropriate to send to someone — and you’d better be sending this to someone, not just keeping it around for your own sick personal amusement — is as a threat. Because if I open an envelope and this is staring up at me from a piece of cardstock, I’m taking it as a warning. That baby is not afraid of eye contact. That baby is not fucking around.
If anyone’s interested, you can also purchase this:
In case you have need of a pensive, possibly-Victorian women who’s not getting enough sleep. For whatever reason.