Trophy Wifery is a Legitimate Career, and Other Job Things I Tell Myself

I heard in the last couple of days that I was passed over for yet another Big Girl job. The chances that I will end my days as a middle-aged spinster who lives with 13 cats in a room in her parent’s house that she has decorated with her collection of cats-wearing-hats figurines that she purchased with her Target cashier salary are increasing every day.

But I am an optimist and a fighter at heart. I will not be defeated so easily. So I have compiled a new list of jobs that I want. Yes, want. Because clearly they exist. Someone out there is getting paid to do these things.

And I will take their job.

1. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME: Nail Polish Namer

What does that even mean?

Why I’m Qualified: I’m very clever and I enjoy puns. Also half of them don’t make sense or are cheekily inappropriate, and if I’m good at one thing, it’s being nonsensical and inappropriate. Lemme throw down some examples:

• Riding Bareback : a tasteful nude
• Jelly Donut-Touch-My-Man : a sassy berry color
• Pink Cheeks : a lovely light pink
• Make It Rain on Dees Hoes : an eye-catching blue-green

Boom.

2. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME: Ice Cream Flavor Inventor/Tester

Let’s not forget, I brought THIS into the world

Why I’m Qualified: I am an ice cream enthusiast. I would fucking excel at eating ice cream for a living. It’s truly turning a passion into a career.

3. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME : Color Trend Determiner

I’m declaring a muted shade of chartreuse the next big thing.

Why I’m Qualified: I literally have a list of palettes in my little inspirations/lists notebook. If that isn’t enough for you, consider the fact that I carry an inspirations/lists notebook.

4. RIDICULOUS MEANS OF INCOME: Life Coach

I’m also really good at making bullshit flow charts that look insightful but actually make little-to-no sense

Why I’m Qualified: I give good advice (even though I generally ignore it), I’m usually right about stuff, I’m good at bullshitting my way through even when I’m not sure I’m right, I have great taste, and I keep up a constant running monologue in my head about how I can improve everyone around me.

Upon further consideration, I have decided to combine all of those things and just become a Professional Arbiter of Taste. Like Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop. I will just sit from a position of privilege and tell everyone what’s cool and exciting and what they should be doing/buying/going into debt for to become cool and exciting.

I’ve found my path, guys.