Sass & Bite

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" Oscar Wilde

Month: December, 2013

Just Found Out Shirley Temple is Still Alive

Am devoting the rest of the afternoon to writing her a strongly worded letter.

Things that Exist: Holiday Edition

It’s December, obviously. The holiday season (yeah I said holidays, not Christmas — get at me, opinionated crazies). So obviously everyone online has been posting gift guides for every conceivable relationship, price point, age group, race, religion, hair color and sexual orientation.

I refrained. Mostly out of laziness, partly because I’m terrible at choosing gifts, or rather, choosing gifts that I then don’t try to keep for myself. Just for shits and gigs, though, here are a few things I’ve seen recently, some of which just exist, and some of which were actual suggestions by absurdly wealthy people I clearly need to befriend generous internet people.

And if by chance you can afford to use this as an actual gift guide. . . what are you doing tonight?

1. Alexander Wang Jump Rope, $135

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God. I’m struggling here. Because I do love Alexander Wang. And black leather and gold is my jam. In the palette of my life, these two feature prominently.

But unless this thing melts fat from my body simply by holding its luxurious gold handles, I can’t justify it.

2. Diptyque Ceramic Baies Scented Candle, $275

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Diptyque, famous for their fancy candles ($65 – $90 is the average, I believe) has this little gem, which I guess is super special because of the ceramic for some reason? Don’t know, don’t particularly care — because I can buy my ideal NYE/Gatsby party dress and still have enough left over for jewelry and/or booze.

Let’s face it, probably booze.

#3. Ragdoll LA Cropped Sweatpants, $120

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I have never heard of this Ragdoll LA brand, which means they don’t have the caché to warrant spending that much on a pair of sweatpants, because I don’t have the assurance that they’re so well-made I’ll be able to wear them for a lifetime and then pass them down to my preferred daughter.

Plus, they’re cotton and polyester, for shit’s sake. Not even made of cashmere, angel wings, and the skin of baby seals. And especially for something that doesn’t even make your ass look good.

And finally, the piece de resistance. . . .

#4. Kelly Wearstler Tic Tac Toe Set, $3,295

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Admittedly, unlike the bougie materials above, this is made of combed bronze, pyrite and rose quartz, so — wait, what the fuck am I talking about? It’s Tic Tac Toe.  It’s the most boring and pointless game ever, loathed by babysitters and parents of young children everywhere. I appreciate the effort Kelly, but you can’t make this ok just by building it out of stones I can get at any flea market or steal from your average hippie.

Again, such a struggle, because I really do love Kelly Wearstler. But I know she can do better than this.

You want to know the scariest part?

It’s sold out.

Even in my sometimes-blinding love of luxury and extravagance, I can’t get behind this.

Or maybe I’m just jealous?

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

Singer Kurt Cobain Blowing Smoke

1. Your first clue should have been when he ordered a Bud Light at the bar.

2. As surely as I know Google is trying to take over the world and turn us all into terminators, bagels taste better on Sundays.

3. The only acceptable pants are your party pants.

4. What do you mean you’ve never seen Love Actually? What is wrong with you?! Go do it right meow. It’ll change your life.

5. Don’t give it all away up front.

6. Just because you keep saying it, doesn’t make it true.

7. You know what’s a great substitute for red and green at Christmastime, and also not tacky and awful? Gold and one of those.

8. Save a wineglass. Drink from the bottle.

Move Over, Jesus – Beysus is Here

Those are angels holding up the lights

Those are angels holding up the lights

I know what I’m about to say is huge and dramatic, but bear with me.

Beyonce. . . might be God.

I know. But hear me out.

Last week, I said I didn’t understand why Beyonce was such a big deal. No disrespect, cause she is admittedly really cool, just that I don’t understand why she is so much “more” than everyone else at everything.

And then.

At midnight that very night, she dropped a super-secret album that literally broke iTunes and had everybody foaming at the mouth. Coincidence? I think not.

She knew. She somehow knew what I said, and this album is her “oh yeah?” to me. I am certain of this. I may have to reevaluate some things, given this new evidence that she might be God.

So I’m going to test this theory — by saying that ‘Yonce is clearly a rip-off of her friend ‘Ye and/or Yeezus. Let’s see what happens now.

Please don’t smite me down, Queen B.

Signs from the Universe: The Porn Industry Needs Me

Today, a nudie magazine was delivered to the office where I work.

Easily the most entertaining thing to ever happen to me here. I was content with that. I felt the universe had provided me with some amusement to tide me over, and nothing more.

And then, not ten minutes later (after I’d finished peeing my pants), I opened my email to discover this gem, from one of the (many, many) online companies that send me job postings:

God?

God?

I guess they got tired of inexplicably sending me postings for engineers, tech assistance, and a lot of other things involving a lot of math that I am in no way qualified for, and have decided to stop beating around the bush (HA!) and show me my future.

I believe in signs from the universe.

I have to say, Rack Daddy’s does sound intriguing. . .

If a Tree Falls in the Forest, Does it Still Make a Sound?

In colleges and high schools all over the country, girls will be flocking to the gym today, causing a pile-up at the elliptical and treadmill. Why? Because last night was the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

I wonder if it’s like that at the normal, outside-world gym? I make it a point to avoid all gyms on this day of the year, so I don’t know.

These are the questions that plague me about life outside of college.

I’m going running outside with a friend, but perhaps I’ll do a drive-by on my way home to check it out, under the guise of bringing solid food to all the out-of-breath girls who are having trouble with their workout because they also started a juice cleanse yesterday.

Unpopular and Unsolicited Opinions

1. Justin Timberlake is a terrible actor. I’m sorry. This is not up for discussion. Just because you think he’s hot or a good singer or whatever does not negate the fact that he is not a good actor and he needs to stop.

Also, he’s an asshole.

2. I don’t really understand why Beyonce is such a big deal. I mean, her music is cool enough and her hair always looks great, but no more so than anyone else. I’m convinced she’s a huge deal only because she declared herself a a huge deal.

Holy shit I may have just struck upon the secret to life.

Besides: Destiny’s Child. That’s a big deal.

4. Beyonce is a terrible actor. See above.

5. Victoria’s Secret models are not fashion models. They are catalogue models, and mostly interchangeable. Call me a snob, go ahead. But it’s true.

6. All-white spaces are not chic or airy or serene. They’re cold, sterile, and reminiscent of mental hospitals.

7. Giving every kid on the team a trophy and an award just for being on said team is bullshit.

8. Not allowing anyone to bring any nut products to school ever is bullshit. We all did it, and we’re all still alive. Except that one kid I didn’t like in fourth grade who somehow ended up with peanut m&m’s instead of regular. But you can’t prove anything. . .

9. Robin Thicke has rape eyes.

10. Carrie Bradshaw was kind of a selfish, shallow gold digger who clung to her party lifestyle for an embarrassingly long time and did a lot of annoying things what weren’t as endearing as she thought.

Because I like to end things on a positive note, her wardrobe was pretty outstanding.

Kids these Days and Their New-fangled Hot Chocolate

I’m confused by the concept of frozen hot chocolate.

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Maybe I’m being obtuse, but does that not make it. . . a chocolate milk shake? I cannot fathom this. But I keep seeing recipes for it, and of course Serendipity has always been famous for it. I mean it looks good. But then again, milkshakes pretty much always look good to me. And this is clearly a milkshake, yeah?

I don’t get it and I think it’s making things harder than it needs to be. Let’s just call it what it is.

Also I stumbled across this recipe for how to make hot chocolate without a recipe, which sends my brain into a confusing paradoxical wormhole for a number of reasons.

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I feel I don’t need to point out why this makes no sense. I haven’t bothered to actually follow the link and investigate, mind you. I’m just making a snap judgement. Keeps things interesting.

But also, really, who the hell needs a recipe to make hot chocolate? Besides orphans maybe.
Seems like a waste of internet.

This is all totally inconsequential, obviously. I just really like hot chocolate, and now I feel like I can’t even keep up anymore.

Words of Wisdom

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1. Only people who are not from LA call it “La La Land”.

2. Please don’t call it La La Land.

3. If you’re wondering if it’s too short to wear to work, it is.

4. “..” is not a form of punctuation. I don’t know how this got started, but it needs to be over now.

5. You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they’re in favor of store-bought guacamole.

6. If you talk in questions? You need to stop.

7. If you can’t pronounce the ingredients, don’t buy it.

8. Say it with me: no babies makin’ babies.

Things I Can’t: Rich Kids of Beverly Hills

I swear on my life I will leave this country.

A conveniently multi-ethnic-but-nothing-too-dark,-mostly-just-slightly-exotic group of rich kids

A conveniently multi-ethnic-but-nothing-too-dark,-mostly-just-slightly-exotic group of rich kids

I cannot any more with this shit.

I may or may not be late to the game here, I don’t know because I don’t have cable, so I’m (thankfully) not aware of most of the things that are floating around on there. But I was house-sitting this weekend and flipped past E! and stumbled upon an ad for this monstrosity of a television show, where I heard such gems as “Dom is better than Cristal. Don’t believe the hype” coming from the  mouth of some 16 year old twat whose taste buds aren’t even developed enough to tell the difference between Dom and Andre. Bitch, please.

Far be it from me to infringe on anyone’s creativity or free speech — even though I think we can all agree that this hardly counts as creativity since it is, as The Hollywood Reporter points out, basically a rip-off of Rich Kids of Instagram — but I really just think the people responsible for this should be shot in the face.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that we have the kids these days (good-for-nothing rapscallions!) doing shit like this in the first place, we’re now rewarding them by putting them on TV and inspiring other idiots to aspire to the same. Don’t get me wrong, I am an American. And a lover of beauty and quality and Chanel.  I have no problem with people amassing fortunes or appreciating luxury. But this is offensive to me.

Also, what the fuck, that one guy in the photo is balding. He’s clearly like 40 years old. And Chris Martin’s brother. What.

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