Things that Exist: Holiday Edition

by sassandbite

It’s December, obviously. The holiday season (yeah I said holidays, not Christmas — get at me, opinionated crazies). So obviously everyone online has been posting gift guides for every conceivable relationship, price point, age group, race, religion, hair color and sexual orientation.

I refrained. Mostly out of laziness, partly because I’m terrible at choosing gifts, or rather, choosing gifts that I then don’t try to keep for myself. Just for shits and gigs, though, here are a few things I’ve seen recently, some of which just exist, and some of which were actual suggestions by absurdly wealthy people I clearly need to befriend generous internet people.

And if by chance you can afford to use this as an actual gift guide. . . what are you doing tonight?

1. Alexander Wang Jump Rope, $135


God. I’m struggling here. Because I do love Alexander Wang. And black leather and gold is my jam. In the palette of my life, these two feature prominently.

But unless this thing melts fat from my body simply by holding its luxurious gold handles, I can’t justify it.

2. Diptyque Ceramic Baies Scented Candle, $275


Diptyque, famous for their fancy candles ($65 – $90 is the average, I believe) has this little gem, which I guess is super special because of the ceramic for some reason? Don’t know, don’t particularly care — because I can buy my ideal NYE/Gatsby party dress and still have enough left over for jewelry and/or booze.

Let’s face it, probably booze.

#3. Ragdoll LA Cropped Sweatpants, $120
I have never heard of this Ragdoll LA brand, which means they don’t have the caché to warrant spending that much on a pair of sweatpants, because I don’t have the assurance that they’re so well-made I’ll be able to wear them for a lifetime and then pass them down to my preferred daughter.

Plus, they’re cotton and polyester, for shit’s sake. Not even made of cashmere, angel wings, and the skin of baby seals. And especially for something that doesn’t even make your ass look good.

And finally, the piece de resistance. . . .

#4. Kelly Wearstler Tic Tac Toe Set, $3,295

Picture 8

Admittedly, unlike the bougie materials above, this is made of combed bronze, pyrite and rose quartz, so — wait, what the fuck am I talking about? It’s Tic Tac Toe.  It’s the most boring and pointless game ever, loathed by babysitters and parents of young children everywhere. I appreciate the effort Kelly, but you can’t make this ok just by building it out of stones I can get at any flea market or steal from your average hippie.

Again, such a struggle, because I really do love Kelly Wearstler. But I know she can do better than this.

You want to know the scariest part?

It’s sold out.

Even in my sometimes-blinding love of luxury and extravagance, I can’t get behind this.

Or maybe I’m just jealous?