Sass & Bite

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" Oscar Wilde

Month: February, 2014

I’m Not Clear on the Difference Between Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day, But I Orchestrate my Spring Schedule Around the Oscars

I take the Oscars pretty damn seriously. It’s like a national holiday for me. I don’t watch with other people because they talk too much and distract from the spectacle of it all. My own mother could be stranded at the airport in a rainstorm without an umbrella and need a ride home, and I would pay for her cab rather than go pick her up and miss the Academy Awards.

I also really love gold. It’s in the top three colors of the palette of my life. It makes everything better, like that handsome baldie Oscar. Just to set the tone for the weekend, some golden gowns that I think we can all agree would look way better on me than on any of these models.

Julien MacDonald A/W 2014

Julien MacDonald A/W 2014

Versace

Versace

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Altuzarra S/S 2013

Chanel 1931, owned by Gloria Swanson

Chanel 1931, owned by Gloria Swanson

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Lily Donaldson by Terry Richardson (ugh)

Lily Donaldson by Terry Richardson (ugh)

Alexander McQueen, I want to say 2013

Alexander McQueen 

Zac Posen S/S 2014

Zac Posen S/S 2014

Vogue 2007

Vogue 2007

And finally, just because why the hell not:

Can't find a source for this, but I like that she's a rabble-rouser

We’d for sure have to negotiate that 80’s high-bikini cut, but I’d do it.

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Cannoli Tart, or, Just a Giant Cannoli. Or Breakfast*

*As we’ve already discussed, I am a great rationalizer. Justifying questionable things to myself is a talent.

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I lived in Spain for a year, and at one point I spent two weeks traveling around Italy. In Palermo I ate a cannoli — a big one — for breakfast every day, which I maintain was a justifiably nourishing breakfast because ricotta is cheese, which is high in protein and calcium, dark chocolate has antioxidants, and the candied orange peel has vitamin C —  ergo, I was basically doing my body a favor. 

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Then I made this cannoli tart for my aunt’s birthday. My uncle sent me a picture of the large slice he cut himself for breakfast, which apparently some people objected to on the grounds that it’s unhealthy. See my above argument. And one more point in favor of cannoli breakfasts? The crust on this isn’t fried, it’s baked. Practically a health food, then. Boom. You’re welcome.

A note on chocolate: I prefer hand-chopping my own chocolate when cooking rather than using chocolate chips, for a lot of reasons, but anyway — I used a mix of bittersweet chips and chopped milk chocolate in this case. I did chop the chocolate chips to make them smaller as well, because I didn’t want big pockets of chocolate to overwhelm the cannoli taste.

This is really easy to put together. I personally couldn’t bring myself to eat it for breakfast, but NJ if you do.

Life is short. Eat dessert for breakfast.

CANNOLI TART
via Tasty Kitchen

INGREDIENTS:

CRUST:
2 cups sifted flour
1/2 cup plus 1 tbl. granulated sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/3 cup butter, cold and roughly cubed
1 egg
1 tbl. milk

FILLING:
2 1/4 cups ricotta cheese
1 egg
2 tsp. granulated sugar
2 tsp. Amaretto
chocolate to taste (1/3 – 1/2 cup)

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat over to 350.

For the crust: In a food processor (or by hand) combine flour, sugar, salt and cinnamon and pulse a few times. Add butter and pulse (or cut in by hand) until it’s combined with the flour, forming pea-sized little crumbles. Add egg and milk and mix until combined and a large ball of dough is formed.

Lay the dough between two pieces of wax paper and roll out with a rolling pin until it forms a circle big enough to fill a deep-dish pie pan or tart pan. Butter or spray the pan, remove dough from the paper, lift it over the pan, and gently press it in until it fills the sides and bottom.

Place it in the fridge to chill while you make the filling.

For the filling: Blend ricotta, egg, sugar, and amaretto until just combined. Add chocolate chips and stir in by hand.

Pour onto the crust and level it out. Bake for 25 – 35 minutes (mine was closer to 35 or 40, but my oven is old), until the crust is golden and the filling has puffed a bit and looks more “set”.

Allow to cool completely, then you can drizzle it with melted chocolate or some powdered sugar. Serve chilled.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” — Oscar Wilde

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1. You never know.

2. Calling sprinkles “non-pareils” is pretentious.

3. Hate your job? Just think, you’re not the guy who has to empty and clean port-a-potties.

4. Please stop misusing the word “ambivalent”. It doesn’t mean indifferent. You’re thinking of “apathetic”.

5. “If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.”

6. Eloise is an example to us all.

7. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Sometimes You Just Need a Good Laugh

Last night, a girl from the UCSB Alumni Association called to update my information, and of course to ask me, as an alumni who benefited from my UCSB degree and all the services they provided me, such as the Career Center (I don’t know where she gets her information), to help current and future Gauchos.

With the simple contribution of a “small gift” of four donations, only $200 each.

I haven’t laughed that hard all week.

Things I Want and Would Wear: Burberry Prorsum A/W 2014

I am obsessed with this look.

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I love the colors.

I love the mixed prints.

I love the personalized blanket/shawl.

I love that it’s both casually drapey and fitted.

I love the neckline.

I love Cara’s hair. Her hair and those eyebrows make this.

I love the booties.

Somehow, some way, I WILL get my hands on this by next fall. And go somewhere where actual winter came to visit for more than three days at a time.

I also love these. Not as much, more like as a stepchild, but the love is still there:

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Mustard is actually one of the few shades of yellow I can get behind.

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Christopher Bailey is killin’ it with these colors and prints. Get in my closet.

I Really Shouldn’t be Trusted to Answer People’s Phones, but It’s Possible I’m Developing Some Impulse Control?

A guy just called who was referred by Alexander Quest, and I almost said, “is he related to Johnny?”

I didn’t, though.

 

Sometimes It’s Nice to Know You’re Not Alone

Don’t look at me like that. This is not a pathetic, pre-Valentine’s day single 20-something thing. Please.

I’m just interested to find that 98% of people, upon entering our elevator with a mirrored ceiling, will — like me — immediately look up and get lost in their own reflection.

So I’m not the only vain, narcissistic asshole with a Pavlovian response to reflective surfaces out there.

Right Now, I’m Only Certain of Two Things:

1) Trader Joe’s has reduced the amount of wasabi in their wasabi peas to unacceptable levels, and

2), I may have just sprained my groin while trying to put on a shoe.

As a side note, I’m taking the fact that my phone consistently auto-corrects “Trader Joe’s” to “Trader Hoes” as a sign. Or validation. I don’t know what of, but that’s how I’m taking it.

Curried Red Lentil Coconut Stew

Its finally raining here! I am stoked.

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Here’s some potential rainy-day food for you. It’s pretty great. Warm, filling, curry-y, and a bright, pretty orange, with a nice zing from lime and cilantro. If you have some naan, which I regret to say I did not, you’re in business.

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I hope you know I’m tearing myself away from Jiro Dreams of Sushi to do this. Cause I’m an adult now and stuff. And I put others first.

Also it’s taken me like three hours to finish a one-hour movie because the phone won’t stop ringing and my car is apparently leaking oil or something. Details.

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CURRIED RED LENTIL COCONUT STEW
via Scaling Back

INGREDIENTS:
*I halved the recipe and it still made enough for several days’ lunches and some to freeze. The original amounts are below. 

2 cups red split lentils
1 onion, finely chopped
1 red bell pepper, roughly diced
1 fresh jalapeño (or serrano chili), finely chopped, including seeds
1 tablespoon fresh minced ginger
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 tablespoon curry powder (or 1 tablespoon thai curry paste)
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
2 teaspoons salt (I used a little bit more, and it was sea salt)
1/3 cup tomato paste
7 cups water (I used half water, half chicken broth)
1 can unsweetened light coconut milk
1 15-ounce can of chickpeas
juice  of 1 lime
fresh cilantro and lime wedges for serving

DIRECTIONS: 

Heat some olive oil in a Dutch oven or large soup pot and add onion, pepper, and jalapeño; cook until softened and fragrant, about 5 minutes.

Add garlic, ginger, tomato paste, and other spices; cook 2-3 more minutes until everything is well-mixed and warmed.

Add water/broth, coconut milk, lentils and chickpeas. Cook uncovered for 25-30 minutes, until much of the liquid has cooked away and you’re left with a thick soup.

Add a squeeze of fresh lime juice, more salt if needed, and some chopped cilantro.

Enjoy!

Did all the Magic School Bus Kids just have really neglectful parents?

Like, did none of their parents ever say, “hey honey, what’d you do at school today?”.

And they’d be like, “Well, Ms. Frizzle zapped us really tiny with some sort of ray gun and we went into her muscular system while she was competing in a paddleboat race and we got tiny mops and mopped up the lactic acid in her hamstrings so she wouldn’t tire out as quickly”.

Basically they were her steroids. Illegal, child labor steroids.

And honestly, that’s not even the weirdest thing they did. On the daily.

I have to feel like someone would have noticed that shit.

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