Am Currently Looking into the Legality of a Judge Ordering Bieber to be Publicly Spanked as Part of His Sentencing
And not in the fun way.
I’m serious, can we somehow make this happen? Or possibly a good old-fashioned pistol whipping? Because I don’t even believe in spanking, but I feel like it’s justified — nay, necessary — in this case.
Here’s the link to his deposition. Watch it, but only if you’re prepared to become enraged.
Someone needs to tell him how completely stupid and ridiculous and transparent and hilarious he looks while strutting and peacocking for the camera. It’s so obviously a performance. It’s like that scene in The Lion King when Simba is trying to roar at the hyenas and really it’s just squeaking. It’s like a girl stuffing her bra with rolled-up socks. It’s like a toddler who thinks he’s a gangsta who would actually shit his pull-ups when confronted with, like, Vanilla Ice.
Actually no, don’t tell him — it’s too funny. I mean, it would be funny if he wasn’t entirely too impressed with himself.
Some random thoughts:
1. His lawyer needs to man the fuck up and put him in his place. I grew up around a lot of lawyers, and I don’t care how much they get paid, not one of them would put up with that shit.
2. I laughed. out. loud. when he sighed and said “I object” as an answer to a question, for no apparent reason. Someone’s been watching too much People’s Court.
3. Who does your eyebrows, Biebs? They’re a little too neat for my taste, even for a girl, but they do highlight your delicate cheekbones and creamy skin nicely.
4. When he goes all “I’m hard shit, mo’fucka, don’t ask me about ma girl Selena again” — just out of curiosity. . . what’s your next move? Cause you keep repeating it like he’s really gonna push you over the edge, but. . . it’s not like you can hit him. You can’t take legal action. If you storm dramatically out, you’re doing him a favor. Threat-making 101 — don’t make a threat you can’t follow through on. And perhaps most importantly: if you have to repeat your threat 8 times (I counted), it’s clearly not very threatening, now is it?
5. I marvel at his ability to infect even the grown men around him — theoretically well-educated professional adults — with his immaturity and temper-tantrum tactics.
6. He has the hair of an anime character.
7. I nearly peed my pants when he says “I think I was detrimental to my own career” and then is so clearly confused when they call him on it but tries to front like he isn’t and he did it on purpose and knows exactly what they’re talking about.
That should be his next tattoo.
8. How long do you think he practiced this little routine in front of the mirror? I’m going with at least an hour and a half. Right after bath time but before story time.