PSA: Instagram Breaks are Good for Your Mental Health but Terrible for Your Overall Outlook on Humanity

by sassandbite

So I’m writing what is, by my modest calculation, my 863rd cover letter. And it’s difficult. And boring. And I wish I could just write an offer for sexual favors in exchange for a job under my contact info heading and leave it at that.

But alas, my attorneys have assured me that would be unwise. So I took a brief recess to check up with everyone on Instagram.

I fondly laughed at the Flashback Friday to when Gucci Mane told the judge “Bitch I might be” when asked if he was guilty.
Jealously “liked” my friend’s photo outside the Sydney Opera House.
Made a mental note to check out the restaurant where someone tagged a really, really, ridiculously good-looking meal.
Pretty standard stuff.

And then. As I was scrolling past this lady’s photo of her new baby in his bedroom — because I’m generally not all that interested in strangers’ babies on the internet, you’ll probably be relieved to learn — I noticed one of the comments from a helpful Samaritan:

“Ah how cute! But you probably didn’t know that you shouldn’t have plants in you’re bedroom, it sucks up all the oxygen that you’re body need when you sleeping![sic]” (*Followed by a plant and green heart emojis).

I copied that exactly. That is what it says. To the letter.

And then, a few comments down, after a couple deadpan comments from people with a better grasp of science and also basic common sense, she got some backup:

“That is the first think I noticed too, Plants don’t belong in the bedroom. Your baby is adorable”[sic].

So I laughed, because honestly, it’s pretty funny. I don’t even have any snappy commentary, it’s just amusing.

Except then I realized they’re allowed to vote and also reproduce : (