Sass & Bite

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" Oscar Wilde

Month: June, 2014

I swear to God,. . .

. . . if one more person walks into this lobby, looks at the elevator, then looks to me and says, “How do I get upstairs?”, I will officially, finally, lose all faith in humanity and just crawl under my desk and wait to die.

I’ve toyed with the idea of directing them back to the parking lot and up the service stairs at the back of the building, but honestly at this point I don’t even think I would find it amusing.

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Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.”
— Oscar Wilde

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1. Don’t let anyone who refers to bananas as “nanas” or “nanners” tell you shit about life.

2. There are two kinds of people in the world: people who eat their least favorite thing on the plate first, and people who eat it last.

3. After one week of not having watched the latest episode of a show, your right to insist that no one talk about it in front of you / on Facebook / Instagram / the internet in general / anywhere you might conceivably see or hear about it ever, expires.

4. Chin up, cutie.

5. Gents: if you give me that bullshit limp-fish handshake, you will immediately earn my disdain. Not even for the inherent misogyny in it, just because there’s something pathetic about a grown-ass man who can’t give a proper handshake.

6. Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you should buy it. Don’t buy things you’re lukewarm about regardless of the price — wait for something sensational.

7. Also, consider the possibility that it’s on sale for a reason. Namely, that it’s heinous.

8. Can we all agree to stop adding bacon to everything? The bacon thing is over. Let it go.

 

Mondays are Hard.

Let me help you procrastinate.

What Planet are You On?

Furthering my belief that Londoners do everything better, Coco’s Tea Party has informed me that Anya Hindmarch has a new exhibit at her Mayfair store featuring personalized horoscope/zodiac info and also candy. You input your name and birthdate into the machine and it spits out a scroll with a bunch of cool facts about you and your date, and also a lollipop. These happen to be two of my favorite things.

Just as I was starting to pout because I couldn’t participate, ta-da!, I discovered you can do it online. And it’s really cool. It has your typical astrological this-is-what-you’re-like tidbits, and also things like your signs under different zodiacs, the top song on the day you were born (I clearly get my affection for sequins and leather from Cher), your age broken down into every possible numeration (I’m just over 726 million seconds old, as it turns out), and even unsolicited information about the date you were likely conceived. I’m on to you, mom and dad.

Also, it confirmed by belief that I should just be a world leader. So, you know, I’m on board.

Here’s the link, check it out:

http://www.whatplanetareyouon.com

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