Apparently I’m at that stage in my life where I’m supposed to get my shit together and be a responsible, mature adult or something. Evidently a lot of people have faith this will happen. And it’s kind of bewildering. Despite accomplishing supposedly mature things like graduating from college, living on my own in a foreign country for a year, and, mystifyingly, being given a driver’s license, I think I’ve made it pretty obvious that that’s not going to happen any time soon. Here I’ve compiled a (not even close to exhaustive) list of reasons I can’t be an adult:
1. I have the impulse control of a rabbit. I’m notorious for declaring that I’m getting one drink at the bar, or no drinks at the bar, because I’m driving or I’ve had enough already (more responsible people tell me), only to immediately order a Jack & Ginger upon arriving, and decide to figure out how to get home later. I buy beautiful but functionally useless things I have nowhere to store, because they’re pretty and I want them. I will eat obscene amounts of ice cream even though I’m not hungry and don’t even particularly want it, just because I saw it in the freezer. Don’t even get me started on my heroine binges.
2. Even when I do try to exercise some self control, I am very easily persuaded not to. Really all it takes is one person to say, “oh come on, just one”, or “well you’re not paying rent right now, so what else would you spend it on?”, or my personal favorite, and the most effective: “come on, it’ll be fun!”.
3. I find notes to myself that say things like, “use the word ‘twat’ more”.
4. I play with my food. Like, people have to take it away from me.
5. I don’t understand wine jokes. I mean, I don’t understand wine either, which I think also disqualifies me from adulthood, but yeah, I just don’t get them. I tend to just stare blankly when everyone at the table laughs at the one about the merlot and the chardonnay — is that a race joke, or what?
6. I find wearing coats draped over the shoulders, while chic in a Parisian business-woman way, inconvenient.
5. I do things like put on SPF 30 and then lay out for two hours, congratulating myself on managing to both get a tan and take care of my skin.
6. When my aunt says “I don’t like pulling it out” about her Keurig or whatever, I snicker.
7. I found Space Jam on HBO GO the other day and it was basically the highlight of my week.
8. I see pink lawn flamingoes as an opportunity to make a beer bong.
9. I spent a good 20 minutes at a party this weekend running around trying to see how many people I could get to almost drink from a margarita that had a cricket in it. Again, someone had to take it away from me.
10. Last week I accidentally set a dish towel on fire. Twice.