Sass & Bite

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you" Oscar Wilde

Category: Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.”
— Oscar Wilde

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1. Don’t let anyone who refers to bananas as “nanas” or “nanners” tell you shit about life.

2. There are two kinds of people in the world: people who eat their least favorite thing on the plate first, and people who eat it last.

3. After one week of not having watched the latest episode of a show, your right to insist that no one talk about it in front of you / on Facebook / Instagram / the internet in general / anywhere you might conceivably see or hear about it ever, expires.

4. Chin up, cutie.

5. Gents: if you give me that bullshit limp-fish handshake, you will immediately earn my disdain. Not even for the inherent misogyny in it, just because there’s something pathetic about a grown-ass man who can’t give a proper handshake.

6. Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you should buy it. Don’t buy things you’re lukewarm about regardless of the price — wait for something sensational.

7. Also, consider the possibility that it’s on sale for a reason. Namely, that it’s heinous.

8. Can we all agree to stop adding bacon to everything? The bacon thing is over. Let it go.

 

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Things my Mom was Right About

So Mother’s Day is this Sunday. I have a little something for mother, who is extremely difficult to buy gifts for, and obviously we’ll be doing nice things for her on Sunday, probably involving food and flowers. But perhaps my greatest gift to her will be admitting that perhaps, over the course of my life, there have been a handful of times she was right about stuff.

Things My Mom was Right About:

1. Your face really will stick that way.

2. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

3. I wasn’t dying of flesh-eating bacteria.

4. My childhood dalliance with dark lipliner and light lipstick is best not spoken of.

5. Dish soap removes most stains from clothing.

6. I wasn’t dying of botulism.

7. Not enough real food makes me terrible to be around.

8. Clean as you go.

9. It wasn’t a tumor.

10. Abercrombie & Fitch is a terrible company and they’re best avoided.

11. Clean out your car while you’re waiting for the tank to fill at the gas station.

12. I wasn’t dying of Toxic Shock Syndrome.

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” — Oscar Wilde

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1. You never know.

2. Calling sprinkles “non-pareils” is pretentious.

3. Hate your job? Just think, you’re not the guy who has to empty and clean port-a-potties.

4. Please stop misusing the word “ambivalent”. It doesn’t mean indifferent. You’re thinking of “apathetic”.

5. “If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything.”

6. Eloise is an example to us all.

7. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

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1. Some people say “function over form”. I say, go for both.

2. They don’t have to tell you if they’re really a cop.

3. Please don’t specify “toenail polish” or “fingernail polish”. It’s creepy and unnecessary.

4. Don’t be that asshole who stops their cart in the middle of the aisle.

5. Blue pens are for lawyers and the intellectually inferior.

6. Sometimes, guys are gay. Sometimes, they are just hipsters. Sometimes, they just have a weird affinity for cardigans. It can be hard to tell. It’s like there are no rules anymore.

7. If you are passed by a minivan on the freeway, you need to A) speed the fuck up, and B) reevaluate your life.

8. Do your best to not get on my shit list.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

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1. If a freeway has only two numbers, it leads nowhere good.

2. Always spring for good bedsheets.

3. Can we all just agree to stop calling American cheese “cheese”?

4. Don’t be too cool for school on Instagram, maneuvering to get more followers than followees by elaborate and shady measures, etc. That’s just sheer douchebaggery.

5. Before you do something, ask yourself: could this serve as an alternate opening to Taken? If the answer is yes, do not do that thing.

6. If they cheated with you, they’ll probably cheat on you. Like, 99%. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

7. Hydyogen peroxide will get blood out of fabric. Please don’t ask me how I came to know this. Just accept the knowledge and move on.

8. Apples have no place in a fruit salad.

9. If you make a wish on a clock at 11:11 and then a minute or two later you look at a different clock and that one says 11:11, it still counts, so make it again.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

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1. Your first clue should have been when he ordered a Bud Light at the bar.

2. As surely as I know Google is trying to take over the world and turn us all into terminators, bagels taste better on Sundays.

3. The only acceptable pants are your party pants.

4. What do you mean you’ve never seen Love Actually? What is wrong with you?! Go do it right meow. It’ll change your life.

5. Don’t give it all away up front.

6. Just because you keep saying it, doesn’t make it true.

7. You know what’s a great substitute for red and green at Christmastime, and also not tacky and awful? Gold and one of those.

8. Save a wineglass. Drink from the bottle.

Words of Wisdom

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1. Only people who are not from LA call it “La La Land”.

2. Please don’t call it La La Land.

3. If you’re wondering if it’s too short to wear to work, it is.

4. “..” is not a form of punctuation. I don’t know how this got started, but it needs to be over now.

5. You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they’re in favor of store-bought guacamole.

6. If you talk in questions? You need to stop.

7. If you can’t pronounce the ingredients, don’t buy it.

8. Say it with me: no babies makin’ babies.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

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1. Never wear the belt that came with the dress.

2. Sometimes popcorn and wine counts as dinner.

3. Always lawyer up. You know on Law & Order and CSI, etc. where the suspect is always like, “should I be asking for a lawyer?” or “I have nothing to hide, I’m innocent, ask me anything.”? Those people are idiots. Skip that step, lawyer up.

4. Not everything needs bacon. Let’s move on.

5. If you don’t vote, you don’t get an opinion. You don’t get to bitch, about anything, ever.

6. If you’re a terrible cook and will never be able to contribute food or throw a party that involves food at the risk of poisoning everyone, establish a reputation as the one who brings the best (or most?) booze.

7. If you’re a farmer and you need it to rain so you can get a crop or whatever, wash your car.

8. People who smile too much are not to be trusted.

9. If you find yourself wondering, with any regularity, if you deserve better. . . you probably do.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

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1. An excellent rationale for buying things you probably shouldn’t be is “I don’t have children to support”.

2. If you do have children, I guess try “I need to take care of me so I can take care of them“? I don’t know, you made your own bed on this one.

3. If a restaurant does both sushi and Chinese, do not eat at that restaurant.

4. Don’t be rude to your waiter. They’re just doing their job, which probably sucks. And, hello, they can fuck with your food.

5. People who are condescending to waiters and customer-service people are not good people.

6. Take the stairs.

7. Why are you making “save the trees” signs. . . on paper?

8. I know clouds in your coffee are pretty and mesmerizing. But, heat your milk in your cup before you put the coffee in — then heat doesn’t escape through cold ceramic or cold milk. I know. Life-changing.

9. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain this, but apparently I do: if that guy you meet at the bar says you have beautiful eyes. . . . he doesn’t mean it. And he’s unoriginal.

Words of Wisdom

“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on — it is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde

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1. There are two kinds of people in the world: people who walk on the escalator, and people who stand on the escalator.

2. Leopard print is a neutral.

3. Remember that there’s a difference between listening and waiting to speak.

4. It’s Friday — treat yo’self!

5. People who wash and re-use their plastic plates are not to be trusted. What are they playing at? This defeats the whole purpose.

6. Natural wild honey is great for allergies. And so much chicer than pills.

7. It is pronounced Bur-bur-ee, not Bur-bear-y.

8. Carbs are not the enemy.

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