My Thoughts on the Oscars: A Running Commentary, Fueled Largely by Envy, Daydreams, and Red Wine

1. I hate to be predictable, but Jennifer Lawrence nailed it, at least from the neck up. Her hair was sensational and I wish I could pull it off. The dress was not my favorite because I’m not a fan of peplums, but it wasn’t terrible.

2. Just when I was thinking Jonah Hill was doing a good job of keeping the douche under control, he went and name-dropped “Marty” and “Leo” like 4 times in 30 seconds.

3. Oh hey, Jada. We all saw you hurriedly kick your leg out á la Jolie just as the interview with ABC started. NJ, no judgement, just saying we saw it. Pretty dress though.

4. Just as I was thinking that Tyson Beckford or whatever his name is is a terrible red-carpet network reporter, he went and proved it by calling her “Jessica Roberts”.

5. And then the only person he actually got excited over was Jessica Biel, whose right to be there was questionable at best.

6. When the camera panned back/out from Sally Hawkins, who was (understandably if uncomfortably) awkward in interviews, to follow Jessica Biel down the carpet at a distance. . . Sucky in general. Especially sucky because it was for Jessica Biel.

7. Kevin Spacey informs me that John Stamos was there. . . Um, why. Go hang out with Lady Gaga. Why do all of these people get to go and I don’t?!

8. Whoever did Kim Novak’s nose should lose his license.

9. Love Catherine Martin’s (Best Costume Design/wife of Baz Luhrmann) dress. The color, the Japanese print, the contrast with the beading — perfect amount of maximalism.

10. Pretty sure Amy Adams was texting while Tyler Perry was introducing that one segment.

11. Angelina Jolie excitedly jumping to get in that selfie = my new favorite thing. And people say she’s too serious. She was having so much fun.

12. I would just like to point out that almost all of the heroes in the Heroes segment were men, and of the 6 women included, half of them were clips from X-Men.

13. Was Whoopie wearing the Goodwill version of Julia’s Golden Globes dress?

14. I am loving this new trend of everyone bringing their moms.

Best Dressed: Catherine Martin, Amy Adams (but only because those earrings perfectly set off that dress. Without them, it would have been boring. And her hair was a disaster), Kerry Washington (even though her dress was more GG than AA, the overall look was sensational. Especially because she’s pregnant). Sandra Bullock and Penelope Cruz both had great draping, and I loved the color of Penelope’s as well.

I wasn’t overwhelmed by anyone’s dress this year, in a wow-you-fucking-nailed-it-I-would-sleep-with-Harvey-Weinstein-and-a-middle-aged-Hollywood-executive-of-his-choice-for-an-opportunity-to-wear-that-to-the-Oscars way that I have been before  (Gywneth Paltrow 2012 and Charlize Theron last year, for example, or Mila Kunis at the SAG Awards 2011, or Jessica Chastain 2012 / 2013). They’ll just have to do better next year, I guess.

Or let me go.