Things that Exist: Holiday Edition

It’s December, obviously. The holiday season (yeah I said holidays, not Christmas — get at me, opinionated crazies). So obviously everyone online has been posting gift guides for every conceivable relationship, price point, age group, race, religion, hair color and sexual orientation.

I refrained. Mostly out of laziness, partly because I’m terrible at choosing gifts, or rather, choosing gifts that I then don’t try to keep for myself. Just for shits and gigs, though, here are a few things I’ve seen recently, some of which just exist, and some of which were actual suggestions by absurdly wealthy people I clearly need to befriend generous internet people.

And if by chance you can afford to use this as an actual gift guide. . . what are you doing tonight?

1. Alexander Wang Jump Rope, $135

God. I’m struggling here. Because I do love Alexander Wang. And black leather and gold is my jam. In the palette of my life, these two feature prominently.

But unless this thing melts fat from my body simply by holding its luxurious gold handles, I can’t justify it.

2. Diptyque Ceramic Baies Scented Candle, $275

Diptyque, famous for their fancy candles ($65 – $90 is the average, I believe) has this little gem, which I guess is super special because of the ceramic for some reason? Don’t know, don’t particularly care — because I can buy my ideal NYE/Gatsby party dress and still have enough left over for jewelry and/or booze.

Let’s face it, probably booze.

#3. Ragdoll LA Cropped Sweatpants, $120

I have never heard of this Ragdoll LA brand, which means they don’t have the caché to warrant spending that much on a pair of sweatpants, because I don’t have the assurance that they’re so well-made I’ll be able to wear them for a lifetime and then pass them down to my preferred daughter.

Plus, they’re cotton and polyester, for shit’s sake. Not even made of cashmere, angel wings, and the skin of baby seals. And especially for something that doesn’t even make your ass look good.

And finally, the piece de resistance. . . .

#4. Kelly Wearstler Tic Tac Toe Set, $3,295

Admittedly, unlike the bougie materials above, this is made of combed bronze, pyrite and rose quartz, so — wait, what the fuck am I talking about? It’s Tic Tac Toe.  It’s the most boring and pointless game ever, loathed by babysitters and parents of young children everywhere. I appreciate the effort Kelly, but you can’t make this ok just by building it out of stones I can get at any flea market or steal from your average hippie.

Again, such a struggle, because I really do love Kelly Wearstler. But I know she can do better than this.

You want to know the scariest part?

It’s sold out.

Even in my sometimes-blinding love of luxury and extravagance, I can’t get behind this.

Or maybe I’m just jealous?

Things that Exist: Creepy Baby Stamps

So I was looking for rubber stamps recently. Remembered I have an Amazon gift card and innocently decided to hit them up. Regretted it almost instantly.

That’s the order of things here.

I was horrified to discover that this is available for purchase:

Like, what could ever possibly be the context for this?

In what environment are you living where you could ever possibly have need of this?

It’s not even your baby. You’re just gonna put a cropped picture of some random baby on your personal stationary or your Christmas card or whatever?

The only time this would be appropriate to send to someone — and you’d better be sending this to someone, not just keeping it around for your own sick personal amusement — is as a threat. Because if I open an envelope and this is staring up at me from a piece of cardstock, I’m taking it as a warning. That baby is not afraid of eye contact. That baby is not fucking around.

If anyone’s interested, you can also purchase this:

In case you have need of a pensive, possibly-Victorian women who’s not getting enough sleep. For whatever reason.

No judgement.

 

 

Things I Can’t: Carl’s Jr. Pop Tart Ice Cream Sandwich

Yes, this is now a thing. Carl’s Jr., purveyors of questionable burgers and star-shaped chicken nuggets (I don’t know why that wasn’t more suspicious to me as a child. They’re all in the shape of perfect stars. How did I not question this?) have found yet another way to make the rest of the world look down their noses at us, which they can do because they don’t have four chins blocking their view.

I know someone is going to ask me why this is offensive to me when I’m all in favor of cookie ice cream sandwiches, but please. Ice cream and cookies were made for each other. The primary ingredients of Pop Tarts are a disproportionate amount of flavorless dry crust, chemicals, and the tears of real strawberries.

They don’t even taste good and I refuse to believe that they wouldn’t ruin perfectly good ice cream. Which is not to say that I believe Carl’s Jr. uses anything even remotely resembling ice cream. Let’s be real here. I don’t want to think too closely about what it could be, but I’m sure it’s the ice cream equivalent of pink slime.

Also, this:

At what point in your life. . . How do you get to a point in your life where you dress up as Carl’s Jr. Pop Tart Ice Cream Sandwich Superheroes for Comic-Con and not think, “nope, I’m done. I’m just gonna end it all”?